No News, But Haikus!

Though our beloved

hip-hopster has been absent,

enjoy this tidbit:

Happy Birthday!

Today is Joaquin's 35th birthday! Despite the relatively quiet past few months, perhaps his birthday bash will prompt some news making events.

It is important to note that Mr. Phoenix shares his birthday with country musicians Charlie Daniels and Brad Paisley, as well as Ben Harper and American Idol star Justin Guarini*. Maybe they will host a giant party that will include watching NASCAR, saving Tibet after some herbal refreshment, and reminiscing about that one spring break with Kelly Clarkson.

Who knows what adventures this next year holds for our falling star?

Wait--I hear Betty Ford calling...

*Despite attempts to secure a trailer of the blockbuster hit From Justin to Kelly, I was unable to find a remotely watchable clip from the film. I suggest looking in Walmart's bargain bin if you want to find out more about Guarini's acting chops.

Justice League goes Hip Hop

During this current national recession, times are hard for everyone. Automakers, realtors, Alaskan governors and Bernie Madoff's entire staff have all been adversely affected by the economic downturn. Yet one demographic that has been overlooked is that of the American superhero.

However, in a bizarre twist of events, the new caped crusader on the streets of L.A. is quite possibly Joaquin Phoenix. Perhaps he noticed the lack of heroes around town and as a responsible citizen, took matters into his own hands.

Recently, Mr. Phoenix was spotted at a clothing store trying on black trousers, a mesh shirt and...a velvet cape! While changing into his new get-up, he began rapping some wicked new beats. Upon leaving the dressing room, still in his mesh shirt and caped attire, he told the sales associate that he would be paying with "MONEY!" After paying with a wad of cash, he left the store in a hurry and dumped his old clothes into the nearest dumpster.

There are still many questions about this recent development in Joaquin's constantly changing career. What is his superhero alias? MC Here-OH Lose Ur Mind? Who exactly was he rushing to save in his velvet cape? Was he growing his beard out so he could save money on a mask? Did he buy the mesh shirt with or without straps? Will other musicians follow his lead to save the world?

So maybe, in your time of greatest need, you will see a bearded man in a mesh shirt and velvet cape come to your rescue. Or buying heroin from the guy on the corner.

His Crowning Glory

Apparently, Joaquin has fooled us all. He's not quitting acting or launching a rap career. He's merging these two talents and taking on the pageant circuit.

As you can see from the photo, Mr. Phoenix impressed beauty contest judges enough to win the title of "Miss Kentucky". It appears as though the dethroned incumbant standing next to him in a pink shirt is faking excitement, but inwardly disappointed that her replacement won on the platform of legalizing heroin.

Here are some highlights of the dark horse's victory:

Personal Interview
When asked by the judges if he thought people judged him for growing a beard, he responded by saying, "No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten...What was the question?"

Talent
During the talent portion of the evening, Joaquin performed a short and choppy hip-hop piece, which seemed to be unrehearsed. Though most people assumed his performance would illicit a point loss, he actually gained points for the endearing way he stumbled off the stage and fell into the audience.

Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit
Joaquin was apparently confused on this category; he came onstage wearing a suit and sunglasses, and told the other contestants to call him "Kitten" because his name is too hard to pronounce.

Evening Wear
Again, Joaquin must have been confused, because during this portion of the competition ran around on the stage wearing a pair of boxer-briefs, screaming, "Something's crawling out of my scalp!"

Onstage Question
An audience member asked Phoenix if he was currently seeing anyone. He replied with, "My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple-personality disorder and self-obsession."

And after the totals were tabulated, the judges unanimously announced the bearded beauty a winner.

I am a Phoenix

Due to the lack of recent posts, you might be thinking that The Order has given up the blog in pursuit of a rap career. However, there is no need for pre-ordering our album just yet. We have been nothing but viligant in our observations of Mr. Phoenix, it's just that, well...there hasn't been much to observe.

One thing Joaquin hasn't been doing is being the Sexiest Vegetarian of the Year. That honor went to Milo Ventimiglia (you might know him from Fergie's music video of "Big Girls Don't Cry"...but hopefully you don't). For now, that eliminates the possibility of Alec Baldwin or the CCF being involved in his seemingly strange behavior as of late. But don't count them out just yet, campaigns are already beginning for 2010's SVOTY.

More recent rumors involve the University of Phoenix trying to trademark his name or possibly use him as a spokeperson. Ads for the online university feature students boasting, "I am a Phoenix." Perhaps the school is hoping for a successful career switch from actor-to-rapper, which is when they will create a new marketing plan spotlighting him as the face of the school.

You might be a star tonight, so let that camera roll!

We still have not heard from Joaquin about any progress that's been made on his album, but Casey Affleck is calling for YOUR footage of the hip-hopster for his documentary!

Rolling Stone reported that Affleck created a website where you can submit a video of Phoenix performing, or that "relates in anyway to Joaquin and/or his switch from movies to music". The site is complete with a note from Affleck and a box that makes you "read and accept the terms and conditions" before you submit. (And by agreeing to the terms and conditions, you forfeit any chance of making a profit off of your footage...you're better off selling it to a media outlet.) But take caution: Even though we want to believe that this website is legit, Rolling Stone also reported that their email to info@joaqdoc.com was immediately returned because it was a non-existent address.

In other news, Chris Synder, who used to represent Phoenix, recently said, "I really think with Casey filming everything, I would bet it [Affleck's documentary] would be a huge ha-ha." He then said that Affleck and Phoenix were two gremlins. Which is weird, and also makes me wonder if he is bitter about no longer representing Phoenix and is trying to spread rumors to defame the former actor.

James Grey, on the other hand, has nothing but good things to say about the fledgling musician. "I think he is as good as it gets. Talk about deep immersion; there are times when you'll have a conversation with the guy and you'll have no idea with whom you're talking." I think Phoenix's appearance on Letterman captured Grey's sentiments very well.

And finally, I don't know where you can buy this, but I know you want to!

Editor's Note: For some reason, I was not able to cut and paste the direct quotes used in this post. So I had to type them all out. It was time-consuming. I hope they are accurate.

Medium Rare

A new discovery about Joaquin's diet may lead to some answers about the star's recent behavior. I have stumbled upon some very provocative and astonishing news, follow along carefully:

Joaquin Phoenix is a vegetarian.

Joaquin Phoenix is a finalist for PETA's 2009 Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Casey Affleck is also a finalist for the title of Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Alec Baldwin is also a finalist for Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Summer Phoenix is a finalist for Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (women's category).

Summer Phoenix is Joaquin's sister and Casey's wife.

From these facts, new theories are raised about our sexy vegetarian's recent behavior. Here are a few:

1. The Center for Consumer Freedom (arch rival of PETA) is wanting vegetarians to presented in an unattractive light. They started sending Joaquin brochures in the mail saying "Tired of spending long hours as an actor, memorizing lines, working with amateurs and demanding directors? You are now qualified to be a RAP ARTIST. Sign up today for the lowest audience rates in history!!" Simultaneously, CCF sent Casey similar enticing emails promising an exciting career as a documentary director who exploits family members. Both Casey and Joaquin took the bait, and are now the laughingstock of the entertainment news industry.

2. Alec Baldwin is incredibly jealous of Joaquin and Casey's chance to beat him for the title of Sexiest Vegetarian Alive. He knows that Casey is not nearly popular enough to win the category, but Joaquin has a chance. Alec convinced Joaquin that rappers have the sexiest reputation in the entertainment business, and that women love men with poor hygiene, bad manners and itchy beards. Joaquin, hoping to win the title, followed Alec's advice to the letter.

Casey, who suffers from sibling and sibling-in-law jealousy, may also be in on Alec's scheme. He's tired of always playing second-fiddle to Ben and Phoenix and wants to see Joaquin fail at being a sexy vegetarian.

3. Phoenix is suffering from severe mental health problems due to never eating red meat. Plausible? No, not really. Possible? YES!

In other, mostly unrelated news, The Gainesville Sun featured an article on Sunday about Liberty Phoenix (another sister of Joaquin) who runs an environmentally-friendly business, Indigo Green Store. She is quoted as saying, "Both of my parents raised me vegan and have taught me to love and respect the Earth through not eating animals, recycling, organic gardening, conserving resources and doing all I can on a daily basis to help reduce my impact."

The Face on the Milk Carton

It might sound crazy, but I have a new theory about the goings-ons in Joaquin's life. And at this point, what doesn't sound crazy in the world of our young hip-hopper?

Making the headlines in national news this week was a story about Phoenix, AZ, being the kidnapping capital of the U.S. (Full story here.) So what if Phoenix (the city) has kidnapped Phoenix (the person) in order to brainwash him and make him the spokesperson/posterchild/mascot of this booming metropolis? And what if, in their efforts to keep things undercover, they replaced Phoenix (the person) with Phoenix (the imposter)?

Far-fetched, I know. But truth is stranger than fiction...

And anyone who knows about distinguishing features (i.e. scars, tattoos, birthmarks, etc.) of the real Phoenix (the person) is asked to contact Casey Affleck.

You're gonna be okay, Joaquin. We're gonna find you. And we're gonna bring you back home.

Would the real Joaquin please stand up?

Due to a lack of fodder about Joaquin's recent activity, we have decided to spotlight others with Mr. Phoenix's first name in order to better understand the burden that comes with his great moniker.
Joaquin Gonzalez is a former professional football player for the Cleveland Browns and Indianapolis Colts. He also played college football for the Miami Hurricanes. Even from the little information gleaned about Mr. Gonzalez (thanks, Wikipedia), we can still gain some insight into the trials of having the name "Joaquin":

1. Those with the name "Joaquin" have a hard time with commitment. Obviously this is true, since Mr. Gonzalez did not play for the same team for his entire athletic career. The Browns, the Colts and the Hurricanes? If he liked it, he would have put a ring on it! Mr. Phoenix was also not committed to one type of acting role. I'm sure he could have had a franchise like Chuck Norris or Sylvester Stallone, but was too afraid to commit to a specific character type.

2. Those with the name "Joaquin" are versatile. [See the above argument, but instead of concluding that Joaquins are afraid of commitment, conclude that they are adaptable to many working environments.]

3. Those with the name "Joaquin" are not in the same profession that they became famous for. Mr. Gonzalez no longer plays football, Mr. Phoenix no longer acts. Enough said.

For now, this is as much as we know about the correlations between those named Joaquin. We hope you have read this and feel enlightened. Because we do.

Dedication and Disappearance

Joaquin has managed to disappear from headlines of all the gossip rags, leaving The Order to believe that he has barracaded himself in his studio to fully concentrate on his art. Rumors are circulating that he is working on a song called "I've Got A Beard", which includes the lyrics: I've got my dark shades and my skinny ties/I'm out shaving gigs while you at Great Clips shaving guys. and Hey Dave, if you could see me now/Chewing my gum but don't have a cow/Gonna grow this beard to my knees somehow/Like Dwayne Johnson, anything is possible.

Another possible theory about Joaquin's recent media escape act is the possibility that he took Ms. Paltrow's advice and has moved to the projects, where few journalists are brave enough to follow.

Like a Boss!!

So, is the entire Hollywood Community in on the scheme? Are we all being taught a unique lesson of how the media completely controls our perception of those in the limelight? According to a Fox News "insider", (which, lets face it, might not be the most trustworthy news source...but then again 'trustworthy news' is a bit of an oxymoron), Joaquin is in league with Ben Stiller working on a documentary on "the whole issue of public persona." This supports School of Thought "Method" earlier described in this blog (see Feb. 19). Hmmmmmm. He is mostly just duping us all like a boss, really. Speaking of SNL, was anyone else totally disappointed when they saw "Phoenix" as musical guest last Saturday wishing it would in fact be Joaquin, but it was some other non-Joaquin band? No? Just me? Anyone? No one?

A Haiku For Joaquin

Mountain man you’ve become,
but with urban tendencies,
or so you insist.

Not the first...and probably not the last

With the sensationalistic buzz around Joaquin's recent career change, the media acts as if the actor's..."interesting" interview with Letterman had never happened before. Well, let us put an end to this mock shock and look to the past for the truth: celebrities and talk-show hosts have a rich history of providing us with things to talk about around the water cooler.

A brilliant compilation of notable interview moments can be found here, on The Daily Beast.

Words from the Exes: Director and Co-Star

In the latest news on The Watch, director James Gray (Two Lovers) is not too happy with the career choices of JP. He says that Joaquin is acting like a clown, and he has also let Casey know his displeasure with the spectacle that has been created.

But while he is upset over the publicity rollercoaster ride, he does not believe Joaquin's change of careers is a hoax. He said, “Towards the end of the movie he kept saying, ‘I’m tired, I’m tired, I don’t want to act any more. I’ve been doing this for 30 years and I can’t take it!’ And I thought, at the time, he was just tired. But I must say, I’ve seen him in his house, and he has his own recording studio that he built right there. So if this is a hoax, then it’s the most elaborate thing that I have ever seen.”

And speaking of houses, co-star Gwyneth Paltrow also has some advice about our budding actor's future residence. She has encouraged the Joaquin to move to the projects to get some authenticity and street cred.

But if street cred includes a reference on Urban Dictionary, Joaquin is already there.

The Million Dollar Man

Joaquin's show in Miami this week has done nothing but create more questions in this ongoing odyssey of his rise from the ashes of an acting career.

During his performance on Wednesday, Joaquin responded to a disrespectful audience member by saying, "I've got $1 million dollars in the bank. What have you got?" Joaquin then jumped off the stage to approach the heckler. Security guards then stepped in and escorted Joaquin off the premises. And if you need to see it for yourself, Casey was there to tape the whole thing, and you can see one version of the attack here.

Of course, I'm fairly sure that Joaquin's comment were existential in nature. I believe he was pointing to the fact that he has found his identity and purpose in his new career as a rapper. His statement "I've got $1 million dollars in the bank" is really a reference to a newfound sense of camaraderie with fellow hip-hopper Lil Wayne (because of his song "A Milli"), along with his hope to someday be nominated for a Grammy. And while it may not come across as philosophical or poignant, "What have you got?" is a question everyone needs to ask themselves at some point in their lives about finding fulfillment. I'm sure that his supposed attack was merely a misunderstood attempt to stand in unity beside a fellow sojourner in this journey of life, a brother, a friend. If the evening would have proceded without security interference, the audience may have found themselves holding hands around a campfire and singing "Kumbaya".

Hopefully Joaquin's touching reflections on life can help us all understand ourselves a little better. You're one in a million, Joaquin. And so are your lyrics.

Live Performance!

Joaquin is performing THIS Wednesday, March 11. Buy your tickets ASAP! They are sure to sell out soon!

Check this blog for post-performance analysis. We can only hope that Paul Dobransky will be in the audience.

We agree: It's not funny!

From the author who wrote "The Power of Female Friendship" and "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love" comes new insight on Joaquin's mental state. Pyschiatrist Paul Dobransky believes Joaquin is showing signs of schizophrenia, and his behavior is not related to drug abuse. He was horrified by Ben Stiller's parody of Joaquin at the Oscars [see previous post], saying "The jury is not exactly in on what is happening. Whatever it is, it's not funny -- whether it's drug abuse, mental illness coming on or the clumsiest attempt ever at a career change."

Joaquin's publicist, Susan Patricola, says Dobransky's comments are "astonishingly inappropriate." She accuses him of a premature diagnosis, saying "How absolutely inappropriate for a doctor who has no personal interaction or relationship with someone to diagnose them."

Hopefully Joaquin will be able to schedule an appointment with Dobransky in the near future to undergo a complete mental evaluation. And hopefully this jury Dobransky speaks of will come to a decision about what is going on with Joaquin.

We all want the truth. And to know the power of female friendship.

Reruns and Dopplegangers

February 26, 2009 will be the second-most memorable day in the ongoing chronicles of Joaquin’s life. No, it’s not the release date of his new album…but yes, CBS will be airing the rerun of his appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman at 11:30 pm (ET/PT).

This is a chance for everyone who missed seeing the original episode to redeem themselves from missing the pop culture phenomenon, and it will be so much better than the five-minute YouTube clip. Viewers will be able to fully understand the context behind his monosyllabic responses, analyze the significance of putting gum under the desk, and interpret every perhaps-drug-induced twitch.

On another note, Joaquin’s retirement could be contributing to a recent trend in retiring actors. Ben Stiller made an appearance at the Oscars and not only was he sporting hair, beard and sunglasses that were reminiscent of Joaquin’s look, but he claims he’s retiring from being “the funny guy” to a pursue career in cinematography. Next thing you know, Keanu Reeves will retire to become a statue, and Tom Cruise will quit to join a scientology cult. Watch the clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pflgMxxBPuY

(For clarification, Stiller is on the left and Joaquin is on the right.)

Will the Real Joaquin Please Stand Up? two schools of thought on the recent activities of Joaquin Phoenix

Of course, we have all, by now, heard about Joaquin Pheonix alleged retirement from acting in pursuit of a hip-hop music career. His controversial appearance on David Letterman's show brought these events into mainstream entertainment news and, of course, many opinions and theories have been offered. My purpose here is not to offer my own opinion, but rather to present the existing schools of thought, which can be broadly categorized unter the categoies: "Method" and "Actual." I will, in this post, broadly outline the basics of the "Method" school of thought.

Method:

Joaquin as Acting Entrepreneur

This school of thought is by far the more intriguing of the two, it's basic premise being that Joaquin is in fact NOT leaving the acting world, but that his current actions and declarations are a part of a "real-life role." This view is supported by the fact that during the months in which Joaquin has undergone his personal and professional changes, his brother-in-law and director Casey Affleck (pictured here, with rabbit) has apparently been "documenting" the change on film. This is suspect primarily as no one truly believes Casey to be capable of indifferently filming the downward spiral of such a dear friend. Further evidence in support of the "Method" School is, in fact, it's namesake. Method is an acting technique in which the actor attempts to become completely immersed in his or her character, both on and off screen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Method_acting

Famous method actors include Adrien Brody, Marlon Brando, Viggo Mortensen (who, as "Aragorn" in LOTR, apparently carried his sword everywhere, whether filming or not), Daniel Day-Lewis and, of course, Joaquin Phoenix. Would it be so hard to believe that an accomplished method actor would want to take his or her art to the next level, actually living out the character they are attempting to embody?

For those who are concerned about Joaquin's actions, this school of thought offers a certain "ray of hope," thought to many it may appear like an acting conspiracy theory. The changes Joaquin has so quickly undergone, however, have lead many to think that this new, darker, sullen, stoned Joaquin is, in fact, just another role... and not only that, but the role of a lifetime.

-C#5

The Meltdown Breakdown

[Editor’s Note: In this post, I used the word breakdown instead of meltdown due to negative connotations of a two-year old throwing a temper tantrum.]

We’ve heard the accusations that Joaquin’s recent behavior is just a publicity stunt, perhaps to be featured during sweeps week on Punk’d, or part of an elaborate documentary on his metamorphosis from actor to rapper. Or maybe he is legitimately pursuing the hip hop scene. After all, Sean “Puffy” P. Diddy Combs (who is supposedly the rapper collaborating with Joaquin) is known for his credibility.

Yet there is one possibility that is being glossed over. Perhaps Joaquin does not have full control over his mental capacities and his behavior has become irrational. We’ve seen the much-publicized breakdowns of other celebrities, including Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston/Bobby Brown, Brooke Shields, Owen Wilson, and she-who-will-not-be-named-but-married-then-divorced-K-Fed-and-one-time-shaved-her-head. Looking at Joaquin’s substance abuse problems in the past, as well as the physical and mental strain of being an award-winning actor, it’s not surprising that he could be experiencing a breakdown. (He may even be a dual diagnosis case--more on this in later posts as it becomes relevant.)

If Joaquin is indeed suffering from a breakdown, Casey Affleck needs to quit parading around with his camera. He needs to gather a team of mental heath professionals, chemical dependency counselors and Joaquin’s closest friends and family for a good ol’ fashioned intervention.

Casey, if you really love him, you’ll do what’s best for him.

-Dr. JLove

Our Beginnings...

I can't believe that it was only last Thursday when I stumbled upon the clip of Joaquin’s appearance on Letterman. I was intrigued by the video, and eager to share the find with my housemates. Our interest increased as we watched and re-watched the clip. We began investigating more and more into the bizarre scene we had witnessed. Some news outlets said that he is faking his retirement and instead following “method acting” protocol in a new film project. Others said that he was exhibiting behaviors of a drug addict, or of someone experiencing a mental breakdown. Joaquin himself insists that his is retiring from acting to pursue his music career.

During the next few days, so many questions came to our minds. Is this just a publicity stunt? Why would he give up an acting career to pursue hip hop? How will fans and media react to his appearance? When will his first album be available? Is his beard itchy? What kind of gum was he chewing? Who will impersonate him on SNL?

Needless to say, these are not questions that can be answered overnight. It will take time and commitment, and we will face obstacles and challenges along the way. However, we are prepared to uncover the truth and look forward to watching the story unfold. We will follow the news, research the past and theorize about The Two Schools (more on this in later blogs).

We invite you to join us as we process our findings and our feelings.

Walking With Joaquin

"Walking With Joaquin," a daily stroll.

I was recently catching up on the latest Joaquin Literature, and came across this incredulous article harassing our star. "He's Just Insecure," it croons, as if Joaquin is putting on some "self-centered cynical performance" for the media in order to cover up his deep-seeded vulnerability.

http://www.sltrib.com/ci_11707110 (link to the article mentioned above).

I loath to think this could be the case. But is Joaquin 'crazy' like many skeptical bloggists and interweb dilettantes are claiming he is? Damn straight he's crazy...crazy-precocious that is! That's right (look it up in the dictionary!), precocious. He has far advanced all his other acting buddies and stepped into the new arena of method acting in which he is actually becoming the character of actor-turned-hip hop star. This is the role of a lifetime...literally, because this is his life now. Whoa. I cannot wait for this movie, that he is currently getting into character for, to come to theaters near me!! He is sooo going to win a Golden globe for this. Or a Grammy, whichever one seems most appropriate. Maybe an MTV Teen Choice Award, or was it Music Video Award? Doesn't matter, he'll win them all!

And to end this 'stroll' with a good mental stretch (because stretching after you doing anything is always important in order to prevent injury)...a daily quote from Joaquin:

“No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten. ... What did you ask me?” -JP


-Bean

The Clip That Started It All

This is the beginning of the watch. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuO75_hJgCQ

We love you all, and we all are excited you are joining our journey.

A, K, C and J.