Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Medium Rare

A new discovery about Joaquin's diet may lead to some answers about the star's recent behavior. I have stumbled upon some very provocative and astonishing news, follow along carefully:

Joaquin Phoenix is a vegetarian.

Joaquin Phoenix is a finalist for PETA's 2009 Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Casey Affleck is also a finalist for the title of Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Alec Baldwin is also a finalist for Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (men's category).

Summer Phoenix is a finalist for Sexiest Vegetarian Alive (women's category).

Summer Phoenix is Joaquin's sister and Casey's wife.

From these facts, new theories are raised about our sexy vegetarian's recent behavior. Here are a few:

1. The Center for Consumer Freedom (arch rival of PETA) is wanting vegetarians to presented in an unattractive light. They started sending Joaquin brochures in the mail saying "Tired of spending long hours as an actor, memorizing lines, working with amateurs and demanding directors? You are now qualified to be a RAP ARTIST. Sign up today for the lowest audience rates in history!!" Simultaneously, CCF sent Casey similar enticing emails promising an exciting career as a documentary director who exploits family members. Both Casey and Joaquin took the bait, and are now the laughingstock of the entertainment news industry.

2. Alec Baldwin is incredibly jealous of Joaquin and Casey's chance to beat him for the title of Sexiest Vegetarian Alive. He knows that Casey is not nearly popular enough to win the category, but Joaquin has a chance. Alec convinced Joaquin that rappers have the sexiest reputation in the entertainment business, and that women love men with poor hygiene, bad manners and itchy beards. Joaquin, hoping to win the title, followed Alec's advice to the letter.

Casey, who suffers from sibling and sibling-in-law jealousy, may also be in on Alec's scheme. He's tired of always playing second-fiddle to Ben and Phoenix and wants to see Joaquin fail at being a sexy vegetarian.

3. Phoenix is suffering from severe mental health problems due to never eating red meat. Plausible? No, not really. Possible? YES!

In other, mostly unrelated news, The Gainesville Sun featured an article on Sunday about Liberty Phoenix (another sister of Joaquin) who runs an environmentally-friendly business, Indigo Green Store. She is quoted as saying, "Both of my parents raised me vegan and have taught me to love and respect the Earth through not eating animals, recycling, organic gardening, conserving resources and doing all I can on a daily basis to help reduce my impact."