His Crowning Glory

Apparently, Joaquin has fooled us all. He's not quitting acting or launching a rap career. He's merging these two talents and taking on the pageant circuit.

As you can see from the photo, Mr. Phoenix impressed beauty contest judges enough to win the title of "Miss Kentucky". It appears as though the dethroned incumbant standing next to him in a pink shirt is faking excitement, but inwardly disappointed that her replacement won on the platform of legalizing heroin.

Here are some highlights of the dark horse's victory:

Personal Interview
When asked by the judges if he thought people judged him for growing a beard, he responded by saying, "No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten...What was the question?"

Talent
During the talent portion of the evening, Joaquin performed a short and choppy hip-hop piece, which seemed to be unrehearsed. Though most people assumed his performance would illicit a point loss, he actually gained points for the endearing way he stumbled off the stage and fell into the audience.

Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit
Joaquin was apparently confused on this category; he came onstage wearing a suit and sunglasses, and told the other contestants to call him "Kitten" because his name is too hard to pronounce.

Evening Wear
Again, Joaquin must have been confused, because during this portion of the competition ran around on the stage wearing a pair of boxer-briefs, screaming, "Something's crawling out of my scalp!"

Onstage Question
An audience member asked Phoenix if he was currently seeing anyone. He replied with, "My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple-personality disorder and self-obsession."

And after the totals were tabulated, the judges unanimously announced the bearded beauty a winner.

I am a Phoenix

Due to the lack of recent posts, you might be thinking that The Order has given up the blog in pursuit of a rap career. However, there is no need for pre-ordering our album just yet. We have been nothing but viligant in our observations of Mr. Phoenix, it's just that, well...there hasn't been much to observe.

One thing Joaquin hasn't been doing is being the Sexiest Vegetarian of the Year. That honor went to Milo Ventimiglia (you might know him from Fergie's music video of "Big Girls Don't Cry"...but hopefully you don't). For now, that eliminates the possibility of Alec Baldwin or the CCF being involved in his seemingly strange behavior as of late. But don't count them out just yet, campaigns are already beginning for 2010's SVOTY.

More recent rumors involve the University of Phoenix trying to trademark his name or possibly use him as a spokeperson. Ads for the online university feature students boasting, "I am a Phoenix." Perhaps the school is hoping for a successful career switch from actor-to-rapper, which is when they will create a new marketing plan spotlighting him as the face of the school.