It might sound crazy, but I have a new theory about the goings-ons in Joaquin's life. And at this point, what doesn't sound crazy in the world of our young hip-hopper?
Making the headlines in national news this week was a story about Phoenix, AZ, being the kidnapping capital of the U.S. (Full story here.) So what if Phoenix (the city) has kidnapped Phoenix (the person) in order to brainwash him and make him the spokesperson/posterchild/mascot of this booming metropolis? And what if, in their efforts to keep things undercover, they replaced Phoenix (the person) with Phoenix (the imposter)?
Far-fetched, I know. But truth is stranger than fiction...
And anyone who knows about distinguishing features (i.e. scars, tattoos, birthmarks, etc.) of the real Phoenix (the person) is asked to contact Casey Affleck.
You're gonna be okay, Joaquin. We're gonna find you. And we're gonna bring you back home.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Would the real Joaquin please stand up?
Due to a lack of fodder about Joaquin's recent activity, we have decided to spotlight others with Mr. Phoenix's first name in order to better understand the burden that comes with his great moniker.
Joaquin Gonzalez is a former professional football player for the Cleveland Browns and Indianapolis Colts. He also played college football for the Miami Hurricanes. Even from the little information gleaned about Mr. Gonzalez (thanks, Wikipedia), we can still gain some insight into the trials of having the name "Joaquin":
1. Those with the name "Joaquin" have a hard time with commitment. Obviously this is true, since Mr. Gonzalez did not play for the same team for his entire athletic career. The Browns, the Colts and the Hurricanes? If he liked it, he would have put a ring on it! Mr. Phoenix was also not committed to one type of acting role. I'm sure he could have had a franchise like Chuck Norris or Sylvester Stallone, but was too afraid to commit to a specific character type.
2. Those with the name "Joaquin" are versatile. [See the above argument, but instead of concluding that Joaquins are afraid of commitment, conclude that they are adaptable to many working environments.]
3. Those with the name "Joaquin" are not in the same profession that they became famous for. Mr. Gonzalez no longer plays football, Mr. Phoenix no longer acts. Enough said.
For now, this is as much as we know about the correlations between those named Joaquin. We hope you have read this and feel enlightened. Because we do.
Joaquin Gonzalez is a former professional football player for the Cleveland Browns and Indianapolis Colts. He also played college football for the Miami Hurricanes. Even from the little information gleaned about Mr. Gonzalez (thanks, Wikipedia), we can still gain some insight into the trials of having the name "Joaquin":
1. Those with the name "Joaquin" have a hard time with commitment. Obviously this is true, since Mr. Gonzalez did not play for the same team for his entire athletic career. The Browns, the Colts and the Hurricanes? If he liked it, he would have put a ring on it! Mr. Phoenix was also not committed to one type of acting role. I'm sure he could have had a franchise like Chuck Norris or Sylvester Stallone, but was too afraid to commit to a specific character type.
2. Those with the name "Joaquin" are versatile. [See the above argument, but instead of concluding that Joaquins are afraid of commitment, conclude that they are adaptable to many working environments.]
3. Those with the name "Joaquin" are not in the same profession that they became famous for. Mr. Gonzalez no longer plays football, Mr. Phoenix no longer acts. Enough said.
For now, this is as much as we know about the correlations between those named Joaquin. We hope you have read this and feel enlightened. Because we do.
Dedication and Disappearance
Joaquin has managed to disappear from headlines of all the gossip rags, leaving The Order to believe that he has barracaded himself in his studio to fully concentrate on his art. Rumors are circulating that he is working on a song called "I've Got A Beard", which includes the lyrics: I've got my dark shades and my skinny ties/I'm out shaving gigs while you at Great Clips shaving guys. and Hey Dave, if you could see me now/Chewing my gum but don't have a cow/Gonna grow this beard to my knees somehow/Like Dwayne Johnson, anything is possible.
Another possible theory about Joaquin's recent media escape act is the possibility that he took Ms. Paltrow's advice and has moved to the projects, where few journalists are brave enough to follow.
Another possible theory about Joaquin's recent media escape act is the possibility that he took Ms. Paltrow's advice and has moved to the projects, where few journalists are brave enough to follow.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Like a Boss!!
So, is the entire Hollywood Community in on the scheme? Are we all being taught a unique lesson of how the media completely controls our perception of those in the limelight? According to a Fox News "insider", (which, lets face it, might not be the most trustworthy news source...but then again 'trustworthy news' is a bit of an oxymoron), Joaquin is in league with Ben Stiller working on a documentary on "the whole issue of public persona." This supports School of Thought "Method" earlier described in this blog (see Feb. 19). Hmmmmmm. He is mostly just duping us all like a boss, really. Speaking of SNL, was anyone else totally disappointed when they saw "Phoenix" as musical guest last Saturday wishing it would in fact be Joaquin, but it was some other non-Joaquin band? No? Just me? Anyone? No one?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
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