Coming Soon To Theatres?

Joaquin isn't making any progress on climbing up the "Most Influential People" charts. Recent Hollywood news outlets report that Casey Affleck is screening his documentary I'm Still Here: The Lost Year of Joaquin Phoenix for potential distribution companies. Magnolia Pictures appears to be interested, and believe it or not, the film might make it into theatres.

Unfortunately, the documentary shows the previously highly-esteemed actor in a variety of unscrupulous endeavors. Too unscrupulous to mention, in fact (think a very low-budget Sex and the City).

The diagram below shows the relation between Joaquin's demise and Casey's ultimate success (and though Robert Pattinson's popularity wouldn't seem to be linked with Mr. Phoenix's behavior, some theorists contend there is a correlation):

What does Casey have to gain from this exploitation of his brother-in-law? Besides the monetary benefits, the lesser-known Affleck's reputation could be boosted. If the documentary is picked up by a major studio, Joaquin will forever be out of the running of PETA's "Sexiest Vegetarian" contest. With Joaquin out of the picture, Casey could make it to the top 25, at least.

Now, he just has to hope that RPattz never gives up meat.

Moving On Up

Editor's Note: I was recently introduced to this masterpiece in the blogging world, and thought I would dedicate a post in similar fashion.

Dear Joaquin,

I know that things have been a little rough lately, especially since you joined Spencer Pratt, Paula Abdul and the Octomom (does anyone know her real name?) on Time's list of 2010's Least Influential People.

I'm not trying to convince you to be someone you're not, but on the list of the Most Influential People of 2010, there was one actor/musician who beat out Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, and yes, even Taylor Swift, for the #14 spot: Robert M. Pattinson. As an aspiring musician and noted actor, you are already on your way to the top of next year's list, but if you take a few lessons from Britain's arguably talentless Stoic, I think you could easily make it to #80 (held this year by Snooki).

For example, this is a picture of the Robster smoking:

Take a good look at this picture. Now, right click and save it to your computer. If you ever forget what you should look like while smoking (or in this case, pretending to smoke, as Robward wouldn't be able to run fast like a vampire if his lungs were polluted with all that tobacco) you can use it as a reference. Or you can use it as your desktop background...your choice! Notice the length of facial hair, the grimace/smirk (a.k.a. "grirk" or "smimace") on Roberton's unforgettable profile. And don't forget his shirt: if that was underwear, he would have a wedgie in his armpit. In actuality, it is likely that the material was attracted to his non-scrawny bicep and found itself gravitating toward it. (Also, is that a mole on his arm, or just a spot on my computer screen? Something to remember for Trivial Pursuit: Twilight Edition.)

Now, Joaquin, I'm not trying to be harsh, but like Tyra Banks, I want you to be your best, fierce Robquin Phoenixson self. And that takes some honesty and constructive criticism. Check out this photo of you smoking a cigarette:

Don't worry, this isn't a hopeless situation. The Ray-Bans are a step in the right direction, but the fact that this blog has already featured them means you'll have to find something else to make it on 2011's list. The position of your hand and face combined with your posture make you look puzzled, confused...and quite frankly, old. And influential people can't be old--unless they're Susan Boyle. Go back to the previous picture: Roberthood has such confidence, such swagger! Like a young James Dean! You, on the otherhand, have the swagger of...well, Joaquin Phoenix after he quit acting. Also, try looking less dependent on the nicotine, it appears as though you are just holding onto the cigarette until you can make it to the backroom for a more, er--substantial drug. Judging from the look on his face, I'm pretty sure Robsty would rather his body be covered in a glittertastic sparkles than actually inhale that American Spirit that rests flawlessly between his lips.

With a few small adjustments, and perhaps a cameo appearance in Eclipse (you'd be a natural at one of the werewolf roles!), you can be on 2011's Most Influential People list!

In any case, I found your recent activism regarding the treatment of reptiles to be inspiring...and I'm sure that the five others who saw your film have similar convictions.

Your follower even if you aren't influential,
The Order

The Phoenix as The Raven

Rumors surround the current career leanings of Joaquin Phoenix once again. It is reported that he will rise from the ashes of his hip-hop endeavors to once again grace the silver screen. And really, after seeing his stunning (and beardless) performance with Miley Cyrus, how could we doubt his word?

But the rumor mill is also cirulating word that Joaquin was chosen to portray the brooding, mysterious, troubled, misunderstood, and substance-abusing artistic genius: Edgar Allan Poe. Other than a desparkled Robert Pattinson (or perhaps Jimmy Fallon imitating the hot'n'bothered actor), I could think of no other actor more fit to play Poe than Phoenix.

However, Perez Hilton says that according to Joaquin's rep, the Poe-impersonation will not be happening. Hmmm...and was this the same rep who said there would be an album dropping in November '09? And was this the same rep who said there would be a documentary about Phoenix's game-changing career move? And was this the same rep who said this would be the year that the Sexiest Vegetarian award would go to an actor/musician?

Nevermore!

What the What!?

The world of Joaquin Phoenix has turned topsy-turvy once again. Though instead of the usual bizarre shenanigans that rappers are famous for, it is his seemingly normal-esque behaviour that has The Order scratching our metaphorical itchy beards in confusion.

In a new PSA for the notable organization TWLOHA, Mr. Phoenix appears not only clean-shaven and naked-eyed, but considerably coherent. When the PSA begins, he appears to be in his old mental state, but it gets a bit better. Here are some highlights:

• The way in which Joaquin seems disappointed when TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski leaves him alone with Miley.
• The part where Joaquin acts like he doesn't know (or care) who Miley Cyrus is.
• The time when Joaquin continuously forgets that Miley is a singer.
• Joaquin talking about Lady GaGa's songs, "Everybody Goes Up" and "Two Lashes At a Time". (Because he's so familiar with her work.)
• When Joaquin imitates Miley's dancing to "Bad Romance" and looks at her as if she is the one who is certifiably insane.
• The part where Joaquin refers to Facebook as "the face thing".
• And when he again pretends to forget Miley's name, calling her "Jessica Silas".

This incredible shift in behavior and appearance poses the question: Is there any way that Joaquin could provide Miley with whatever medications/illegal substances he was on last year to calm her down? The USA would be a better place if she was the one giving monosyllabic answers on Letterman.

And another thing...Joaquin's gonna be on Miley World?