Moving On Up

Editor's Note: I was recently introduced to this masterpiece in the blogging world, and thought I would dedicate a post in similar fashion.

Dear Joaquin,

I know that things have been a little rough lately, especially since you joined Spencer Pratt, Paula Abdul and the Octomom (does anyone know her real name?) on Time's list of 2010's Least Influential People.

I'm not trying to convince you to be someone you're not, but on the list of the Most Influential People of 2010, there was one actor/musician who beat out Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, and yes, even Taylor Swift, for the #14 spot: Robert M. Pattinson. As an aspiring musician and noted actor, you are already on your way to the top of next year's list, but if you take a few lessons from Britain's arguably talentless Stoic, I think you could easily make it to #80 (held this year by Snooki).

For example, this is a picture of the Robster smoking:

Take a good look at this picture. Now, right click and save it to your computer. If you ever forget what you should look like while smoking (or in this case, pretending to smoke, as Robward wouldn't be able to run fast like a vampire if his lungs were polluted with all that tobacco) you can use it as a reference. Or you can use it as your desktop background...your choice! Notice the length of facial hair, the grimace/smirk (a.k.a. "grirk" or "smimace") on Roberton's unforgettable profile. And don't forget his shirt: if that was underwear, he would have a wedgie in his armpit. In actuality, it is likely that the material was attracted to his non-scrawny bicep and found itself gravitating toward it. (Also, is that a mole on his arm, or just a spot on my computer screen? Something to remember for Trivial Pursuit: Twilight Edition.)

Now, Joaquin, I'm not trying to be harsh, but like Tyra Banks, I want you to be your best, fierce Robquin Phoenixson self. And that takes some honesty and constructive criticism. Check out this photo of you smoking a cigarette:

Don't worry, this isn't a hopeless situation. The Ray-Bans are a step in the right direction, but the fact that this blog has already featured them means you'll have to find something else to make it on 2011's list. The position of your hand and face combined with your posture make you look puzzled, confused...and quite frankly, old. And influential people can't be old--unless they're Susan Boyle. Go back to the previous picture: Roberthood has such confidence, such swagger! Like a young James Dean! You, on the otherhand, have the swagger of...well, Joaquin Phoenix after he quit acting. Also, try looking less dependent on the nicotine, it appears as though you are just holding onto the cigarette until you can make it to the backroom for a more, er--substantial drug. Judging from the look on his face, I'm pretty sure Robsty would rather his body be covered in a glittertastic sparkles than actually inhale that American Spirit that rests flawlessly between his lips.

With a few small adjustments, and perhaps a cameo appearance in Eclipse (you'd be a natural at one of the werewolf roles!), you can be on 2011's Most Influential People list!

In any case, I found your recent activism regarding the treatment of reptiles to be inspiring...and I'm sure that the five others who saw your film have similar convictions.

Your follower even if you aren't influential,
The Order